The Tiger

Our era is often called the Age of Technology. Who lives without a television in every room or a cell phone farther than under the pillow at night? Seriously, we need technology to survive, and so does sex. Yep, that's right. Let's discuss the do's and do not's of sex toys.

We'll start with foreplay. Clothing is always important (and optional), so pick out a sexy get-up, and then grab your guns because it's time to play.

Stripper pole: If you've got one, they're hours of fun. Even if you or your partner is not nearly as good as the dancers at Tiger Tails or Uptown Cabaret, this is a great way to begin the night with a little show, to tease your partner's anticipation about later events.

Handcuffs: Let's be specific - unless you just have a thrill for breaking the law, the feel of cold steel on one's wrists isn't that sexy. But furry handcuffs are! These sex toys require a good deal of trust for you and your partner, because sometimes not being in control is more fun….

Whips and chains: Safety word?! There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and if your partner gets a little carried away, these could result in bruises, cuts and blood; try explaining that to your lover's roommates. And I especially wouldn't recommend whips and chains if you're hooking up with someone for the first time. (Also, don't use them with your committed significant other immediately after a fight; it could get nasty. NEXT!).

Food: Yes, I sometimes get hungry during sex, especially afterwards. So why not have the best of both worlds? You can lather up your ripped surfer boy with edible sex oils, whipped cream, chocolate, syrup or even mashed potatoes if you're craving that! And I'm sure he won't mind when you're licking it off and preparing him for later.

Nipple clamps: No, thank you; my nips are already too sensitive, but for you tough guys and gals, start clampin' away!

Vibrating tongue ring and cock ring: Anything vibrating is fine with me, even better if it's made by Trojan! The vibrating tongue ring can spice up oral sex faster than the last virgin's V-card you took; it's always a good time. As for the vibrating cock ring, it can allow your boy a nice vibration either on top of his penis, which then hits your clitoris when you're riding the waves, or on his testicles when the ring is attached underneath. Easy assembly, it comes with batteries.

Sex swing/sex chair: Enough foreplay already, put it in! Let's talk about sex chairs. I know you've always wanted to try it, but $500 is a lot of money to buy one for your dorm, and I'm sure your parents will wonder what you're doing with it and where you're going to fit it. But when that opportunity comes along to try it, go for it! It's also very comfortable for watching NFL football games on Sunday.

Warming sensation condoms: Yes, Trojan strikes again; however, this time I was slightly disappointed with the warming sensation condoms. They weren't quite as hot as I was expecting. Oh well, I'm sure Redfern would be happy we're using one.

Anal beads: This is the point where I have to admit that I'm a virgin - to anal beads, I mean. Supposedly, one inserts the lubricated row of beads during foreplay (don't ask me where, you understand) up until the small ring at the end of the row, and then right at climax, you pull out the ring and beads, and it intensifies the orgasm. They come in all shapes and sizes and can be enhanced with vibrations. Your call on that one.

Double-sided dildos: One of my friends just turned 21, and for her birthday a guy friend gave her a $5 foot-long, also known as the double-sided dildo. I quote: "A fun time for you and a friend." Yep, that's what she said.

Cigarettes: Most importantly, after a mind-blowing wrestle in the sheets, you absolutely need a cigarette to calm down that racing heart. And a good cuddling session with your partner to remind you both that it's not all about sex. Right, that's a good one.

Do not's: Blow-up dolls (get a warm body, please), butt plugs, penis pumps (at least not where your lady can see), hamsters, strap-ons, gags and cameras (unless you and your CONSENTING partner are into that sort of thing… make sure she's signed paperwork to avoid a lawsuit). Actually, make sure your partner has approved all of the sex toys you decide to use, because technology can be fun but also very, very dangerous; i.e. the Terminator, Cuban Missile Crisis… and syphilis. Can't forget that.

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